With the holidays coming up all I want to do is hide in my room and curl up in a ball.....I feel useless.....We had issues but I would give up anything to hug her one more time and tell her I love her again. The meds and distractions can't keep the pain away. I hope she realizes through it all she did make a impowering difference in my life that will last forever.

Its awesome.



And of course his matching shirt....=)

So B comes home today all excited about a christmas present for the family that he made. We sit down and read the card and then open it. It is so amazing how far he has come. I am so proud of him...=)

So B's rat "mickey" keeps sneaking out of his cage. I guess after a month that he was bored and found out he could fit through the small slats in the cage. So we put him in a small cage until tomorrow when we can get him a new cage. Anyways Adrian and pumpkin found in amazement that there was a little moving thing in a box for them to look at... it was funny....



then pumpkin got tired and decided to take a nap....lol

Well we had a lot of fun in the trailer park! Its funny because everyone was loud and crazy, but nobody cared especially the "park police". They were parked giving out candy too! Here are some of the pictures of the evening..........


all three before running crazy to get candy


moo (michael myers as a child from the new movie)


B was a zombie doctor


Matti was a witch....Fitting I know....

moo being a pyro


B, mikey and Nic


Matti passing out candy


a dark pic of josh and I


the best part, I found a hidden mickey! someone had a mickey pumpkin on their balcony!
Hope everyone had a happy halloweeN!!!

Thats how life feels right now........Will it ever stop? Hopefully soon, I feel like i'm gonna be sick.

So yesterday I couldn't take the pain and puking anymore. We went to the er per my ob's orders and I finally found out what was wrong with me! Sad huh I was actually excited. I have a really bad kidney infection. So they put me on 2 different meds and I have to go back to my ob again today. We ended up taking B with us to the er and I forgot his meds...... So they only way to keep him busy was magazines and being a redneck town the only kind they had were fishing......So I am doubled over in pain and he says, "mommy look at this gold ring, it's a fish i'm gonna buy you a fish ring for mother's day!!!" I couldn't stop laughing.... I love my entertaining kids.

Matti had her first football game yesterday.... It was soooo hot and sticky. SHe complained a lot but got to meet a bangals cheerleader. I think she will be perfect for cheer she is a complete drama queen.

So I started school today and once again I am the only white girl.....Between the retarded flaming teacher and all the ebonics I was so confused..... Mikey cried because his cicada flew away. Then B killed his ant "wally" it's been a tramatic day for him....

So I finally go back to school Tuesday......Yay! I think.....lol. B has made best friends with the new principal. I don't know if thats good or bad. I just want him to be happy. Mikey's new nickname by the neighbors is "madman mikey" I love it. Oh BTW Mike and the blob had wonderful baby "mitchell" last week and he had to call and inform all that Liz was with him. Figures...=p

this is Sidney. Noni thought we all needed a new pet to help us forget about everything thats going on. yaay.

So I am glad he and she are long gone. And as I predicted he has only called them once since he left. Super-dad my ass. But on the happier side he was looking at my happy jack book that heyt gave me. I love it! So anyways and he was reading my goals and came across one in particular.... It was to have a steady boyfriend, when he read it then he said what am I? lol guys are so retarded. I was like ummm yeah in your words we are just seeing each other.... Isn't it the same thing? fucking guys sometimes they can be kind clueless. SO yeah............

So yesterday my mom had this bright idea to have mike and missa spend time with the kids at her house. Whoa you can totally see where this is going. So they came over I stood there for a minute and then went into the back bedroom to have my anxiety attack without a audience. Then my cousin comes in to calm me down. All of the sudden I here my mom yell, "so why did you punch my daughter in the stomach?" SO you can pretty much figure out the rest. Merry fucking what? lol yay. gotta love drama. The question is Nick ready to deal with all of this? hahah well he is a freak.........

So christmas is coming and I feel like the Grinch. I don't know if its the lack of holiday joy or lack of sleep. On the brighter side I do look forward to my am phone calls. They cheer me up. And also going down 2 pants sizes has helped a little bit....=) So dumbass and blond bimbo fly in today so that should be an adventure in itself. Lets see if I can get through xmas without any of my family going to jail.....

I felt like such a dam stay at home mom today..... I cleaned the house, took the kids to school and looked up interesting cookie recipes..... (not in that order) So now of course I am going to go to the store and get stuff to make the cookies with...lol. I know I so have issues. Oh and here is a tip on boyz.unless you want to scare them off don't give out your extra key unless you have been with them for a long long long time.... All I can say is I forgot what its like to actually date...... I mean if you see them everyday and they are always over I thought it would be easier for them to have a key. what do I know right? Live and learn I guess.

So when I finally just let go of everything that was bothering me in life things started to fall into place. Everyday things get a little better. I have learned that life is too short to dwell on every little detail that goes wrong. I have so many important things to look forward to and to live for. Brandon is finally home and is a completely different person. He has so much potential for greatness. I have found a equal that is willing to except me and my children for me. And is willing to take it one day at a time and not rush through anything. That's extremely hard to find. I have awesome friends who are always here for me even if it means missing Bones....lol...... And a loving family who I know will always be there. I guess the whole corny line of happiness comes to those who wait has some truth to it.

Well that was a joke. Fun. This was the first thanksgiving that I have been single. It was really erie and cold. It was one of those days where you just want to stay in bed and pull the covers over your head. I miss him.

Well my dumb ass started surfing through myspace again..... And what do I find? Yup. Mike's ex just posted last night that they are back together and he is not coming out here. I don't know what is worse. The fact that he can't tell me himself, that his dad has no clue whats going on, or that I am going to have to hurt my children yet again.....I don't know how much more of this I can take before I reach my breaking point. Maybe i'm already there. I just want to be happy. Why is that so hard? And do I believe all the ex's crap or is she just nuts like he says? Would he really do this to his children knowing what they have just gone through? I feel so alone.

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I am so sick of being treated like I am 5 years old. Maybe someday I can be the daughter and my mom can be the parent for once. That would be nice, a change from the norm. I love how everytime I am snappy its because "she didn't have her medicine today......" I try to explain to everyone the stress of going through a divorce, moving away from my friends, having my children's father ignoring them, and not having a place to live can really put a strain on someone. B starts school in a week and I still haven't been able to get his school supplies. On the brighter side the kids were watching the wizard of OZ and Mikey called the Tin Man the Can Man! It made me laugh. "He has a can hat on his head...." Then we were coming home on the bus and one of my parent's neighbors gave us a dozen fresh eggs, and when I say fresh I mean straight from the chicken.....Only in OHIO..........